Chaos and Charm

I owe a few (maybe more) people an apology.
Not enough to actually reach out — let’s not get crazy —
but enough to mentally whisper “my bad” before moving on with my day.

So, here they are.
The apologies I’ll probably never say out loud:

I’m sorry for the text I never answered.
In my defense, I read it, meant to reply, and probably got distracted by something shiny.
Sometimes I even answered… and never hit send.
So technically, I did respond — just not in this dimension.

I’m sorry for snapping that one time (ok, so it was more than once) —
but also, maybe don’t test someone who’s running on electrolyte water
and impulse control.
It’s not personal; it’s just survival with a side of chaos.

I’m sorry I said “it’s fine” when it wasn’t.
It clearly wasn’t. You knew it wasn’t.
But we both agreed to the lie, so… that’s on us.

I’m sorry to my friends for canceling plans and saying I was “tired.”
I was — just not from work. From life.
From my social battery running on 2%, from being perceived and misperceived, from existing in general.

I’m sorry to every ex who mistook silence for forgiveness.
It wasn’t forgiveness. It was me choosing peace —
or at least a fun show to binge-watch and a night without overexplaining myself.

I’m sorry to the people who expected me to be the “bigger person.”
Mama, I’m barely the smedium person on a good day.
That’s right. Smedium. Between a small and medium.

And honestly, I’m sorry to myself —
for every time I bit my tongue instead of saying what I really felt.
For pretending I didn’t care when I absolutely did.
For constantly attempting to keep plants alive when we both
know how that’s really going to end.
For letting guilt stay way longer than it paid rent.

But here’s the twist: I don’t regret much… and I do, at the same time.
Every sharp edge, every petty thought, every “whoops, did I say that out loud?” moment
got me right here — self-aware, occasionally feral, and perfectly imperfect.

I’m learning that apologies don’t always have to come with a performance.
Sometimes it’s just quietly acknowledging the mess,
laughing about it, and trying to do better next time — emphasis on trying.

So yeah, I owe a few apologies.
Consider this my blanket statement.
My bad, boo — but also, let’s not make it weird.
Not big ones, not dramatic ones — just the kind that say,
“I know I was a little extra, but you survived and we’re good.”

And if I ever do text you, just know it’s serious.
Because I’ve drafted, deleted, and retyped that message at least five times —
which, honestly, should count as personal growth. Just sayin’.