Chaos and Charm

(aka: My Inner Voice Needs an NDA)

There’s a whole monologue living rent-free in my head.
Every time someone’s rude.
Every time someone “just wants to play devil’s advocate.”

Oh, I have soooo many things to say.
But then I remember:
Bail money is expensive, and my energy is not refundable.

So instead, I let it stay up there—
an unfiltered Netflix comedy special performed exclusively in my brain.

And maybe that’s growth.
Or maybe it’s just exhaustion dressed as maturity.
Either way… I’m good.

You ever have those full-on conversations in your head — the ones you shouldn’t say out loud because, well… we’re trying to keep our jobs and freedom?

Yeah. Same.

Every day, I’m out here saying things like:
“No problem at all!”
while my brain’s screaming,
“This is literally your third problem today.”

Or I’ll say,
“Totally understand!”
but internally it’s giving,
“Girl, what are you even talking about right now?”

And then there’s the classic:
“It’s fine.”
Translation: It’s not fine. It’s chaos wrapped in concealer.

Some people pray before they speak.
I hold a full congressional hearing in my head —
brain, mouth, and conscience all debating whether it’s worth catching a charge today.

Because if I ever said everything I was thinking?
HR would need a priest.

It’s the emotional gymnastics for me —
smiling, nodding, staying polite, while my inner voice is on her eighth espresso shouting,
“Who raised you, ma’am?!”

And don’t even get me started on texts.
Because nothing says restraint like typing “ok 👍🏽”
when what you meant was a paragraph that starts with “First of all—” and ends with your phone overheating.

But here’s the thing:
Maybe the things we don’t say are what keep the peace —
or maybe they’re just rotting somewhere between our throat and therapy.

Either way, I’ll keep playing it cool,
smiling through my irritation,
and saving the real talk for the group chat.

Because the truth is, I’m not quiet —
I’m just pre-screening my thoughts for felonies. 💅🏽

(Also true: it already slipped out once. Remember that one time? Yeah, right.)

So keep the smiles, mama — for now.
Because every “it’s fine” has an expiration date,
and when the filter finally fails, the truth comes out fluent, spicy, and unbothered.

When that day comes?
We’re not apologizing — we’re narrating.